Even for people like me, who buy sex toys, use them, and talk about them pretty freely, it can be a hard thing to bring up with new partners. Introducing toys into your sex life with a new person—especially if you are uncomfortable with toys a bit yourself—makes the situation doubly hard. Sex is a topic that is already rife with sensitive feelings, misconceptions, and pre-judgements. There are all sorts of implications to which toys you suggest, how you do it, and what you want to accomplish. It is easy to put your partner off, or even hurt their feelings.
That, however, does not mean you should give up the idea of introducing toys to your bedroom. It only means that you have to give some careful thought into how you do it and what you bring in first. I have found that there are three general rules to follow that help make this process as easy as possible and that give you the greatest chance of success:
Start small So you've been thinking about this for awhile. You've been looking through online catalogs and making plans. Maybe you've even had a partner in the past who was already comfortable with toys. You are, in short, raring to go. That enthusiasm is a help, but before you break out the giant double-pronged vibrator with seven speeds and rotation patterns or the metal shackles, slow down. Take a deep breath. And remember that you need to start with baby steps before you leap all over the all-leather bullwhips and branding irons.
If your partner is new to the toy world, they will likely be thrown off by big toys, flashy toys, and toys that look like they are going to hurt way before they feel good. If you are interested in bringing in a vibrator, for example, start with something like the
Lady Finger Mini Vibrator before you try out a big jobbie like the Platinum Rabbit. If you're wanting to try bondage, start with the much more approachable
Bondage Tape before you present your lover with something that is going to make them go screaming for the hills. Try to keep in mind how this toy will look to someone who hasn't been thinking about it endlessly for the past few weeks. Some toys are more intimidating than others—it may seem frustrating to start so much slower than you're wanting to go, but remember that if you start a partner out right, you're setting yourself up for years and years of working your way through a toy catalog.
Keep it fun Sex is not serious business. Sex is fun. Toys are fun. It stands, therefore, that sex toys should be just about as much fun as you can have. It will serve no good to put pressure on your partner. Resist the urge to make ultimatums or compare your relationship to anyone else's. No heavy martyr-like sighs when the topic comes up. It is also advisable—unless you have a very special relationship—to avoid making bargains. Saying, “I'll do this thing you wanted [especially when that one thing is non-sexual in nature], if you do
this thing in bed that I want” can take a lot of the joy and passion out of the entire endeavor. You don't want to set yourself up to get your desires filled through an exchange of favors or through deal-making.
Appeal to what your partner enjoys. If she loves it when you give her a massage, consider toys that can be incorporated into a fabulous massage—try bringing into the bedroom something like the
Toy Joy Giggly Feathers, as a very gentle entry into the toy world. If you're feeling particularly saucy, you can get something like the
Ostrich Feather Silicone Butt Plug. That way, once you and your partner are comfortable with the idea of a toy being around, you'll have a second toy already included to play with.
Never underestimate the power of cute. If you haven't had toys around before, try toys that don't look very serious—I adore the
I Rub My Penguin bath toy and his little face will endear him to anyone—he makes a fabulous joint bath toy. There are cuddly, gentle looking toys in nearly all the possible types of toys.
If you're looking for a set of anal beads, consider the
Flexi Felix--he's an absolute heart-breaker of a caterpillar.
If you wanted to have a good multi-purpose vibrator, there is the
Dinky Digger II, who is not only an absolutely adorable mole, but he also comes carrying flowers. Who could be intimidated? He is also waterproof, which means you can introduce him in the bath...where your partner can already be relaxing.
Looking for a cock ring? As well you should...there aren't many toys that make for better introductions to couple play—it is easily incorporated into your regular routine, so no one has to feel dethroned or intimidated. A great model is the
Rabbit Silicone Vibrating Cockring. Not only is the bullet a powerful vibe, but his cute little face and ears are adorable.
The final and perhaps most important key to a smooth and joyful introduction of sex toys into your relationship...
Know your partner I can tell you what works
in general and what
should be the case, but if you read this and think, “I
know my pookie-bear would be up for handcuffs, not this silly bondage tape”, then
go for it. Good sex is based on a foundation of understanding and communication. Talk to your partner—find out what their fears are about fantasy and toy play. Find out what things they have been thinking about...what do they want to try? What do they think they really don't want to try? All the advice you can ever get online is only a guideline. The real work has to come from your best sex tool.
Communication with your lover.
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