How to Toss Her Like a Salad and Rock Her World.

Recently, a male friend emailed me. His lover, he said, wanted him to “toss her around a bit in the sack.” He, being a very polite though physically prepossessing young man with more than enough bodily prowess to toss said fair maiden like a chef salad, felt a tad nonplussed.

“How do I start?” he asked, or something along those lines. I thought about it, and I responded with a few moves I thought might both please her and direct him, and in writing the e-missive, thought it might be helpful to disseminate my advice, like seed, far and wide across the land, or across teh Internets, anyway.

Listen, I Have a Little Secret. Do You Promise Not to Tell? Closer. Lemme Whisper in Your Ear (Whoa-Oh-Oh): many women—and some men—feel shy about asking for what they want in bed in a direct and assertive manner, especially if what they want is to be handled roughly. Which regrettably puts the onus of the burden on their partners to listen to the subtext of what they are saying.

Does your woman get all hot and steamy—or embarrassed and pink—after the scene when the Viggo Mortenson character fucks the Maria Bello character on the stairs? Does she look longingly at corsets? Does she really, really, I mean, really like high heels? If so, you may have a girl who wants you to Neanderthal it up a notch.

Listen to the subtext of what your lover says and does. Lucky is the man who gets the text message requesting a specific sexual behavior (lucky is the woman too). More often, because women have been taught by this culture to act circumspectly about their desires—women’s magazines always write about 100 Hot Sex Tips, but they’re invariably ways to make men happy—we tend to couch what we want in terms of what you want.

We are often shy and ashamed to ask. And while it might be unfair, it becomes your burden to decode it. Listen. What turns her on? What questions does she ask about sex? What does she respond to when she’s not censoring herself? The answers to these questions will help you figure out what you can give her.

Or you could just ask. Which personally I’m a big advocate of.

A Kiss is Still a Kiss, a Sigh is Just a Sigh: Actually, not so much. There are kisses and then there are kisses. But a kiss is a great place to start with the rough handling. When you kiss her, slide your hand up the back of her head, grip a big fistful (or if she has a ponytail or braids, wrap that around your fist) and pull  her head back enough to bare her throat to you.

In my experience, just feeling someone pull my hair is enough to start me into the submissive dive I know and love. Once you pull her head back, you can kiss her mouth, her chin, her throat. I love having my lover bite my throat, especially where my neck meets my back along my trapezius. I especially love it when he alternates sucking gently, biting hard, and trailing his open mouth along my lines.

One note here: the operative term is “big fistful” of hair. Not one or two strands. A lot. Gripping few hairs equals bad pain. Gripping many hairs equals a tiny ecstasy.

You Lift Me Up Where I Belong: You can’t overestimate the impact of a simple fireman’s scoop. I love being lifted and carried, mostly because I’m not a small girl. In fact, this act alone has seduced me. Figure out how best to carry your lover—squat and wrap your arms around her knees, throwing her over your shoulder; hold her in one arm while you bend to scoop up her legs with the other in the classic threshold-crossing hold; whatever. Lift her, carry her, ravish her. Rinse, repeat.

Ooh-Baybee-Baybee-Ba-Baybee-Baybee (Ah) Push It: Push her against the wall. Any wall. Hallway wall, living room wall, alley wall, bathroom wall. Push her and pin her there. Press your knee between her thighs. Kiss her (see above). Turn her around and press her body into the wall with the force of your unbridled freakin’ lust, young man (or woman). Just show her with pressure that you want her like no other.

Take her hands and grip them behind her back and use them to push her ahead of you to the sexual destination of your choice—bed, couch, dining room table, kitchen counter. Make a grand, dramatic and wanton gesture. Push the envelopes, pens and knick-knacks of your desk to the side and push her over it.

The point here is that showing is telling. We like to see in no uncertain terms that you want us in a most bestial way. We like to see evidence that you’ve been thinking about us, maybe even planning things, that plots and schemes and seductions have been fomenting in your head and in your loins and that we are the object of your lust.

Push it and show us.

Tell Me Something Good, Tell Me That You Like It, Yeah: Sweet Alexander Bell on a graham cracker, we love the naughty text message. Give us a command. Before we meet you, tell us to wear something specific, like a skirt or heels or a specific piece of lingerie. While we’re out, slip off to the bathroom and text us something naughty. Tell us to meet you somewhere, to slip off our panties, to push our thighs apart in wanton negligence. Use your imagination.

And while we’re on the topic of words, don’t underestimate the power of talking dirty. I myself suck at talking dirty in bed. I can write my lover something so dirtysweet he’ll be titanium hard in a nanosecond, but I can’t speak it in the sack. However, I love being talked dirty to. When I have a difficult time coming, I ask Donny to tell me a story.

Figure out what works for you. If you think your girl (or boy) would bridle at being called a slut, then temper it with an adjective. “Little slut,” or “my little slut,” or “my sweet little cock-sucking slut,” or whatever you, knowing your lover as you do, think would work. Say it, not with flowers, but with words.

Turn Out the Lights, Sweet Darling, For Tonight It’s You and Me: Go out and buy yourself a blindfold. Ok, ties, scarves, bathrobe belts all work in a pinch, but nothing replaces actually purchasing what is probably the single best sex toy ever created.

A blindfold gives temporary and exciting power to you—and to the sex you have. Diminishing your lover’s senses helps to give her a more purely physical experience. Lots of women have a hard time stopping the whirring hamster wheels of their brains. We have a tendency to let all those little voice carry on with their annoying susurrations. A blindfold helps them shut the fuck up.

Not seeing helps us enjoy your head between our thighs, the white-hot shock of an ice cube, the slow and inexorable pressure of your cock in our pussy, and it helps us, rather obviously, because we can’t see what is being done. It’s pretty simple.

Moreover, a blindfold is easily removed. There’s no inherent freaksomeness of being tied down or up or sideways. Plus, by surprising your lover with a blindfold, you are once again demonstrating that you’ve been thinking about us, about sex with us, and about making sex with us interesting.

Hold On, I’m Coming, Hold On ‘Cause I’m Coming: Think of this as a baby-step to bondage. Put your lover in a position that she can hold relatively easily—a good one is on her knees leaning her body or her arms on the bedstead. Tell her not to move, to keep that position or you’ll stop.

Take your time. Look at her. Appreciate what you see and tell her. Describe those parts of her she can’t normally see in glowing terms. Tell her how beautiful she is.

Lick her. Finger her. Fuck her. Tease her. As she gets more excited, remind her not to move. Do your utmost to tease her into a wet-hot lather, but don’t let her move. If she does, put her back into place. It will take a lot of self-control on both your parts, and it is this self-imposed restraint that makes it fun.

The key here is to maintain control of her position until you are ready for her to move. You will have to find the capital-D Dom voice within, which means finding a calm, low and commanding register. Watch the Dog Whisperer. He knows.

It’s Just My Imagination, Running Away with Me: Clearly these pointers can work alone or in concert with one another. Something as simple as taking your lover’s legs by the ankles while she lies on her back, holding her legs apart and gazing at her pussy can be very, very powerful. Figure out what your desires are, figure out what works for her. The secret here is really no secret: what turns a person on the most is the clear illustration that he or she is wanted.

When you plan, you show us that you want us. Take control. We often like it.

And when it’s our turn, so will you.