In some ways women get the short end of the stick when it comes to enjoying sex. While it’s true that some of us do get the benefit of being multi-orgasmic, most of us aren’t. And while it’s true that not only do we have the potential for many orgasms in one sexual session, and not only do studies prove that our orgasms longer-lasting and more intense than men’s orgasms, it’s also true that percentages of anorgasm in women have been so high that until recently the inability to orgasm wasn’t considered a sexual dysfunction.
Our bodies don’t make it easy on us either. Those recalcitrant sex organs tucked up, under, and away can play possum, and often as we lurch our ways toward pleasure, we may find that it’s like spelunking without a headlight. It’s often hard enough to discern what pleases us; it’s yet harder to give directions to someone else when we can’t even provide any kind of definitive road map. And on top of all of this, we’re often the unwitting bearer of sexual baggage—we learn to the bone the lessons we’ve been taught by culture and by experience that to experience sexual pleasure is, somehow, bad.
I’m not saying that men have it easy in the sex department—especially men who have suffered sexual trauma, whether that trauma was emotional or physical—I’m just saying that their biology makes it a bit easier for them to find pleasure and that our culture tends to be a bit more forgiving to men who like sex, at least to heterosexual men.
Given that there are so many ways women can get lost in the woods of sexual pleasure, I wanted to help those chicks out there who need a guide in finding the joy in fucking.
1) A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste. Educate your head. Get a book: Lots and lots and lots of books have been written by lots and lots of wonderful women writers—women writers far more eminently capable to give advice than I. They have degrees and everything. Find one you like and read it.
The important thing here is that knowledge is power. You aren’t going to be in the dark about the parts of you that are in the dark. Read these books—any one of them—and you’ll know what you look like in the girl folds, how you work and why you aren’t alone in not feeling everything you want to feel. You’ll get reassurance and a big blank, professionally-signed, metaphoric check to experience everything you want. It is, as another eminent professional woman has said, a good thing.
2) Get a fantasy or dozen. The largest sex organ a human has is between her ears. You need to find out what flips your switch, floats your skirt, gives you the good downlow tingle. And that means doing some research to find out what you like. My first book of erotica was Anaïs Nin’s Delta of Venus. And then came Penthouse Forum Letters. And then came Playboy’s Voluptuous Vixens. And then The Story of O. And then A.N. Roquelaure’s Sleeping Beauty series. And now it’s mostly sex blogs. All of these texts have figured highly in my erotic musings, whether I was on my onesy or with another.
The ability to fantasize is what makes us humans special—that and the ability to accessorize. We are capable of using our gigantic noggins to create elaborate fictions and these fictions give us pleasure. You need to find what fictions work for you, because they are the fuel of your sex life. Obviously, your fantasies are what makes your masturbation special, but they also are what makes your partnered sex special too. Giving life to your sexual fantasies not only gives you and your partner something to play with when you feel like it, but it also gives you a special movie to run in your head when he’s licking your pussy or fingering you or fucking you or whenever. The truth is, sometimes there’s enough glorious stimulation from your lover alone. Other times there’s not. And when there isn’t, it will be your fantasies that carry you up and over that orgasm hump.
Find out what you like and hold them in your little head until you move on to a new one. Create a virtual Rolodex of fantasies. Flip through it as is your wont.
3) Become a sex writer. Get down; Write down. And feel free to plagiarize, because it’s just for you. Start a sex journal. Get yourself a little book and write down sexy thoughts you’ve had. Whether it’s noticing the way that the mail carrier’s shoulders taper to his postal blue butt, or it’s having a hard time deciding whether you’d rather be Jennifer Tilly so that you could do Gina Gershon or vice versa in Bound, or it’s that you liked the way your husband bit your neck, jot it down. Jot down the idle fantasies you have, the moments you’re feeling frisky, the things you’d like to do/have done to you. Just write it down.
Writing is a contract. View this sex dream journal as a contract with your sexual self, as much as it is an exploration of it. You don’t have to show it to anyone, so write down all of your naughty, sweaty, panty thoughts.
4) See Porn Run: Run, Porn, Run. No reason to go the silicone valley route, if the hyper-inflated heads-on-a-stick, sex-by-the-book-of-Ron-Jeremy thing isn’t your bag. There’s lots of very good porn out there that doesn’t make World Federation Wrestling look real by comparison. Enjoy any of Tony Comstock’s titles, for example. I’ve watched both Marie & Jack: A Hardcore Love Story and Xana and Dax: When Opposites Attract, and both of these finely crafted DVDs show couples having lovely and realistic sex. It’s fun to watch people fuck. And it gives you ideas what might work for you. Moreover, titles like these two don’t have the hyperbolized bodies and grimaces that usually accompany porn. They’re inviting, not intimidating; intimate, not alienating.
Of course, if you do like mainstream porn, that’s fine too. Knock yourself out. It’s your libido, make it all loose and juicy any way that works for you.
5) To Love One’s Self is the Beginning of Lifelong Romance. Masturbate. A lot. My mom gave me one good piece of advice in my life and it was this: “it’s ok to touch yourself as long as your hands are clean.” No one is going to be able to please you until you’ve learned to please yourself. Give yourself the time and the space to learn how to make yourself come. I learned by reading the masturbation section of Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask) and my mother’s copy of Nancy Friday’s Secret Garden. Just go to bed as often as you need to and learn what you like. It’s your body. Play with it.
6) Good Girls Go Shopping. Don’t get me wrong, hands are great. I love my hands; I love to love with them, baby. But sometimes a girl’s got to get more than just digits. My first vibrator, the one I got from Spencer Gifts when I was 16, was a slim carrot-shaped piece of molded plastic with batteries inside and a knob at the bottom that I turned up for more vibration. I got my first vibrator almost thirty years ago. I am a walking, talking, writing testament to the invalidity of the notion that vibrators ruin sex. Vibrators do not ruin sex. Vibrators teach women what feels good. Get one.
Fortunately the goose-step of technology has not left sex toys behind, and now there’s a beautiful, easy-to-clean world of wonderful toys for you to choose from. I think that this model by Aphrodite would be an excellent first vibrator because it’s rechargeable, it’s very ergonomic, and it comes with a few different heads so that you can figure out what you like.
I also am a big proponent of the egg vibe. I like the egg vibe because it’s very flexible. You can rub it against your clitoris while you’re masturbating, you can tuck it inside you and let it hum against your g-spot while you touch yourself with your clean hands, or you can tuck it inside you while someone else touches you with his or her clean hands and/or mouth. The egg vibe is cheap and versatile and you can dress it up in a variety of silicone sleeves if you want it to feel differently or take it to a party.
I’m also a big, big fan of the rotating rabbit vibe. It looks a bit goofy and intimidating at first, but there’s a reason why Charlotte got addicted to one in Sex and the City. The vibe buzzes your clit and the balls in the dildo massage your g-spot. It’s a total-O two-for. Get over the goofy and get one.
Finally, buy some lube. It’s a lot to expect your motor to be self-starting. Lube isn’t cheating; it’s help. Buy some and begin your exploration with a dab of lube.
7) Go, Girl: Find the G-spot. It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it. Use toys, read books, finger yourself, in whatever order you need. Your g-spot is a bundle of nerve-sensitive fiber tucked inside your vagina. You can most easily access it by inserting your middle or index finger so that the back of your hand is facing you and your finger is curved in and up, like you were going to grip a bowling ball. The G-spot is usually about two knuckles in, straight up from the vaginal entrance, on the wall of your vagina nearest your belly button. It will feel slightly rough to your fingertip, and when you press on it, you might feel a need to pee. Which is fine, just a bit disconcerting until you get used to it.
When the G-spot receives stimulation during sex, it is intensely pleasurable and causes blood to flow to your whole sex organ—inner and outer. Often, women who have had problems with orgasms just from clitoral stimulation find it much, much easier to come when their g-spots are stimulated too. Some women, not many, can orgasm from G-spot stimulation alone. Most women need a combination of clitoral and G-spot fun to make them sing the hallelujah chorus. I do.
8) Work that Body, work that body. You know it won’t hurt nobody. You need to find your PC muscles and play with them via Kegel exercises. Essentially, your PC muscles are the muscles that run the length of your pubic floor. You can most easily find them the next time you pee by stopping and starting the flow of your urine. These muscles controlling your pee are also the secret to wicked good sex. Basically, the stronger your PVC muscles, the stronger your orgasms, as well as the less likely you’ll become incontinent as you age.
Once you find the muscles, you can play with them by tightening and releasing them wherever you are—in line at the DMV, while waiting for a file to download, or while you’re having sex. Just play with them, If you’re interested in serious pussy bodybuilding, there are books on Kegeling and little vaginal barbells and everything, which is really seriously both cute and disturbing.
9) Get Some Professional Help. See #1 above, knowledge is power. If you’re really worried that you can’t feel, that there’s something medically wrong with you—and there probably isn’t—go to your doctor to rule out any drug interation or other factors, go to the OB/GYN and get a referral for someone who does sex testing. The sooner you can put it out of your head that there’s something wrong with you, the sooner you can stop worrying and start enjoying your sex life.
And for the love of all things modern, get a therapist. I have one. My boyfriend has one. My parents have one. My mentor has one. My best friends have one. Find a therapist and get some help. The vast majority of sexual issues are in our heads. Therapy will help.
10) It's Share Time. Talk with your partner. Nothing is going to get you into the happy swing of happy swinging sex like communicating openly with a lover who is patient with you. You need to give each other a great, big huggy break and kiss and talk and hold one another until you feel as if anyone who saw it all would get a spontaneous toothache. Tell him or her what you’re feeling—and what you’re not feeling—even if it feels really hard and weird to do so. (This, actually, is where the therapy comes in very handy. Talking with a stranger is very good practice for talking with a loved one.)
Clearly, I’ve given you only a very thumbnail sketch of how to get your lovelife rocking and rolling, and I’m no expert at any of this. I’m a rank amateur at best. But I do know that I have had times when I’ve felt disconnected from my sexuality, times when I felt like my body wasn’t responding, times when I’ve wondered if my libido had just gone on an extended vacation. And it’s always been through some combination of these things that I found it again.
Good sex—by yourself and/or with another—is a gift you owe to yourself. Find what works for you, and in the finding, give yourself the permission to make mistakes. If at first you don't succeed, try try again...Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last, you’ll find it.
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