Sodomy 101. Part 1

I’m presenting here what is essentially a primer to the beginner sodomite. I don’t pretend to have knowledge treading on territory much beyond the narrow bounds of  anal sex dilettantism, but I do know enough to get you easing on down the road. Let me, then, give you some directions to the tender part. Let me introduce you to the gentle art of butt-fucking.

Step 1: Know Thine Own Ass

The best way to make friends with anal sex with someone else is to first experience it on your onesy. You will feel infinitely more at ease opening and spreading the virgin gates of your butt if you have some idea of what is coming. I cannot urge you emphatically enough to buy two items and play with them by yourself before you invite another body into your home.

You need to buy some designer lube, and you need to buy a small butt plug. I have tried a lot of lubes, and I like Liquid Silk the best. It is highly viscous and it remains juicy when I need it to. It doesn’t taste particularly good, but anal and oral should never mix, so that’s really not an issue. However, any lube that isn’t a freezing lube will work well. (You need to avoid freezing or numbing lubes during anal play because pain is indicator of good things going wrong, and you need to feel that indication and heed it.)

I promote the use of the butt plug over other anal toys for the simple reason that I like it best. I don’t particularly like beads or beady dildos. And while I do enjoy the traditionally shaped ass dildo, you may want to graduate to a dildo slowly. Butt plugs are great because they stay in place while you masturbate, receive head, or fuck vaginally. They are small, not particularly scary (many of them), and they insert easily.

Buy some very good lube and buy a butt plug, preferably a silicone or stainless steel plug because they wash up easily. (If you share your plug, or if you use a jelly plug, you must always use a condom with your plug. Just insert the plug into the condom, pull the condom all the way over the base of the plug until the extra hangs around the sides. When you insert the plug with the condom, be sure to leave the hanging condom hanging outside of your body with the base of the butt plug.) Watch porn, read erotica, do whatever it is you like to do when you masturbate, and when you’re aroused, lube your plug generously, lube your asshole generously, and aim the tip of the plug at the center of your rectum, slowly insert the plug in your ass. It can help to exhale and to press outward with your rectal muscles as you insert.

It’s going to hurt as you spread, and then it will “pop” almost audibly into place. That pop will be accompanied by a little flash of pain, and then will subside.

To remove the butt plug, grasp it by its handle or flange, and tug gently down and out. It’s a fine idea to waddle to the bathroom with the butt plug in place and remove it in the privacy and immediately hygienically gratifying space of your W.C. However, you can also remove it wherever you happen to be and then clean it immediately after. In any case, wash your butt plug.

To repeat, this is how it will break down: you will insert the plug slowly and gently; it’s going to hurt a little bit, then it will feel interesting, and finally it will feel good. When you learn to experience the plug happily, you can start playing with it in various ways—you can sit on it and touch yourself (whether you’re male or female), you can enjoy double penetration with another toy if you’re female. Just be patient, and figure out what you like. It’s your ass, play with it.

Step 2: Don’t Just Walk the Assy Walk; Talk the Assy Talk

You are, of course, taking butt plug in hand so that you can enjoy all this anal fun with another person. What you need to do after figuring out what you like is to communicate it to him or her or them. Talking about sex is not just fun, it’s dead helpful. So find the vocabulary and do it.

If you’re old enough to be fucking, you’re old enough to talk about it in no uncertain terms. I must urge you to choose to pop your anal plum with someone you can talk to. You do not want to do it for the first time on a first date. It doesn’t have to be someone you have a love connection with—though I’m not knocking that—but it does have to be someone you can have a frank and open discussion with about the state of your butt. Talk about it before you do it, and talk about it while you’re doing it. Just talk.

I would suggest playing with the butt plug with your partner before you actually do the bendover girlfriend or boyfriend full-on insertion deed. It took me a really long time to feel comfy with toys during sex. I used to feel quite self-conscious about the toys. I got over it.

It feels divine to get head while wearing a plug. It feels diviner to get fucked while wearing a plug. Integrating your friend the butt plug into your sexplay will not only get you feeling chuffed about ass sex, but it will also add new hotness to your traditional sex play.

Really.

Step 3: It’s a Wash

You have the lube, you have the plug, you’ve talked to your partner, you’ve played in bed, you’re ready to rock and fucking roll. Now buy an enema.

Good sodomites clean house. Cleanliness is next to godlessness, and you need to be cocksure that you have mitigated the possibility of accidental poop. Yes, as Elvis Costello and the Attractions have pointed out, accidents will happen, but you can prep yourself so that they are less likely to.

I suggest a enema. Follow the directions on the box. Enough said.

Step 4: Plug It

After your enema and at some point during or before your play, insert your plug. If you have a small one, you can actually walk around, go shopping, have dinner, watch a movie, go bowling, whatever, while wearing it. This preparatory step will do a couple of things: it will excite you both physically and mentally, for nothing is more titillating than secretly knowing you’re preparing for naughty hot monkey butt sex; it will excite your partner physically and mentally (see above); and it will stretch and pre-lube your rectum so that when your partner inserts his cock or her dildo into your previously egress-only orifice it won’t hurt that badly.

Trust me on this one. Just wear the plug. You’ll be glad you did.

Step 5: Doing the (un)Nasty (and Loving It)

You’re in bed, and you’re prepped and ready to go. You’re going to be nervous. It’s cool. In fact, it’s exciting. You and your partner are poised on the brink of experiencing something new and potentially fantastic.

So now that we've reached this magic moment and I have your full attention, it’s time to talk about safety. There is a long litany of nasty you can get from butt fucking. AIDS/HIV, sure, but also gonorrhea, syphilis, hepatitis, herpes, anal warts, anal fissures, and hemorrhoids. You don’t want any of them. Therefore, unless you and your partner are 100% monogamous and checked out for all known diseases—or unless your play is with a preferably silicone dildo that will fuck one ass and one ass only, ie, yours—you must use a condom. You must in any case use lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of lube.

There is no such thing as too much lube. Lube makes the friction pleasurable, and your ass doesn’t produce the right kind. Use a metaphoric ton of lube. As you did with your plug, lube your ass and lube your cock before insertion. Lube will help you from getting tears if you let yourself go and buttfuck vigorously, and it will help prevent hemmorrhoids. Let the lube flow.

You need to be safe by also being very clean. Anything that goes in your ass must not go in anyone’s mouth or pussy. You and your partner have to keep track of what goes where.

And as The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy suggests, a towel is a good thing.

Ok, so you’re in bed, you’re prepped. You're ready to pop the plum. And I'm going to leave you, ass hanging in the air, as it were, until the next part.

Trust me. It'll be worth it.