It’s a fact: Men love tools. Though to make the truism truer, it should be amended to note that “tools” need not be made by Stanley or Snap-On (however lovely these brands may be). I use the word “tools” capaciously here, not merely encompassing the noble power screwer or the humble hammer, but also the time-honored dildo, the electric vibrator, the insouciant butt plug. I believe that tools can make the man and so I offer to you this guide those of you who would like to be a little more adventuresome in building your love nest.
First, let’s dispense with any preconceptions that using toys in bed is cheating. It’s not. It’s not cheating to use a blowdryer to style your hair, and it’s not cheating to employ a skill saw when you’re cutting wood. Sex toys allow you to express your sexual creativity in a wider range. Sex toys are not cheating; they’re the tools of an artist, an erotic artist, an artist like you. Michelangelo would have just been another frustrated lush without his paintbrush, palette and chisel. Tools—and the knowledge of how to use them—make the man.
However, it can feel really intimidating to wade through the dense rubbery thicket of sex toys. All that bulbous silicone. All those whirring bits. All those primary colors and all those pointless woodland creatures. Looking at a field of sex toys can feel like an alien landscape. A guy can feel a bit overwhelmed. And who wouldn’t? Not you, not anymore, not with this sex toy primer as your sherpa.
The first question to ask yourself is this: what does my woman like? Does she go all jelly-wobbly in the thighs when you lick her pussy? If so, she might love a vibrator. Or does she really like her g-spot being stimulated? Get her a g-spotter. Does she harbor a fantasy for dick configured larger, smaller, thinner, wider than your own? A dildo is for you. Does she quiver like an ecstatic rabbit when you finger her ass? You probably want a butt plug, young man. Thinking about the answers to these questions will help you figure out what she’d like.
Vibrators: A woman who really, really enjoys cunnilingus will probably really, really like a vibrator. Your best bet is to start with a hand-held model with variable speeds, and there are many you can choose from. My first vibrator was a cheap slimline off-white slightly penile-shaped model with a knob at the bottom. I bought it at the age of sixteen, and it worked for years. It’s a fine vibe starter model. These days, I am a big fan of the vibrating egg because it’s tiny, cheap, and dead useful; you can both ply it on the clit and tuck it inside to stimulate the g-spot. In terms of bang for the buck, as it were, you can’t go wrong with a vibrating egg. On the other hand, if you want your woman to lie happy in the lap of luxury, pony up the dough to buy her a JeJoue. Considered the crème-de-la-crème of vibrators, it’s both highly programmable and incredibly flexible because it both vibrates and oscillates.
G-Spotters: If your girl can’t get off without her g-spot being rubbed, pressed, or nudged provocatively, you’re a lucky man these days. G-spot toys used to be unheard of, but now they come in both vibrating and stationary varieties. In either case, you’ll know a g-spot toy by its relative shortness and its slight L-shaped curve at the end. Vibrating g-spotters come in a variety of colors, sizes, and materials. My advice it to pick one that’s silicone because you don’t have to use a condom with it (jelly toys have questionable ingredients that require sheathing to be safe) and because they’re easy to clean. Find one you think looks friendly and go with it.
Most stationery g-spot toys look kind of reminiscent of magic wands. They can be made of silicone, plastic, glass or stainless steel. My favorite is the njoy Pure Wand, which has double g-spotters in varying sizes at either end. Stainless steel is a fantastic conductor of heat, it cleans easily and it won’t break. But really, before I discovered njoy, I was very happy with my acrylic wand. The great advantage of these toys is that they are utterly silent, which can be appealing to chicks who feel self-conscious about the sound of a buzzing vibrating toy.
If your woman really enjoys the multitasking stimulation of both the clit and the g-spot, you might want to consider a rabbit, which has become the go-to sex toy of the new millennium. It is, however, one of those toys that’s more of a gift for her than for you: it’s hard to use on other people. But you’re an altruistic dude and you like to watch, and a good rabbit will never go amiss. Look for one whose vibrating woodland creature has variable speeds, whose gyrating girl or sultan will shimmy in both directions, and whose casing is silicone.
Dildos: A dildo is an excellent sex toy because it allows you and your partner to safely fantasize about having a threesome without actually having to invite a whole other man into your bed and your life. You probably want to discuss with your woman what kind of cock she thinks about when she’s not thinking about yours. If you’re wide, you might want to choose a more slender dildo; if you’re long, a shorter one; look for difference because a dildo is one place your woman can experience it without hurting your relationship. Again, I cannot stress to you the importance of silicone. You don’t want to use any more condoms than you absolutely have to. Buy a silicone toy.
Butt toys: Anal toys come in two basic varieties: plugs and beads. Butt plugs, which I’ve written about for this site, can provide a baby step to anal, or they can just add extra stimulation to your sex. Butt plugs pop into the anus and just stay there, snug as the proverbial bug in the proverbial rug, and stimulate the thousands of nerves hanging out in the ass. They’re the slacker’s sex toy, but they provide a powerful punch to sex because they stimulate nerves both in the anus and, through the vaginal walls, in the g-spot too. Plus, if your woman wears one while you’re having sex, the plug will stimulate your cock as well. It’s win-win-win. And if you buy the vibrating kind? It’s win-win-win-win.
Anal beads are exactly what they sound like: a string of beads, usually graduating in size. When they’re in the anal cavity, they knock against each other pleasurably, and if you carefully remove them as your woman is orgasming, you’ll double her pleasure. Anal beads also come in wand form—often acrylic or stainless steel, these wands graduate in bumpy size, allowing you to insert only what feels good. I personally like the stationary beads. But whatever floats your butt. Again: silicone. Finally, anal pleasure is equal-opportunity fun, but if you’re going to share toys, do be sure to boil them to disinfect completely between uses.
So far in discussing these toys, I’ve mostly looked at what your woman might want. You also want to consider what you want the toy to do. Do you like the idea of watching her play with herself? Then you might want a vibe or a rabbit. Do you want to have something to help out the multi-tasking of oral? Then you might want a g-spotter, or maybe a glove vibrator. Do you want help your woman on her way to embracing the hot, hot butt slut you know she secretly wants to be? Then start with a small happy-friendly plug. And some lube.
Finally, remember that if you buy a toy and it doesn’t work for your woman, it’s not your fault. I can’t tell you how many toys I’ve bought and had to give to friends because they didn’t fit my body. Don’t lose hope, just keep on looking. And remember, it’s always fine to ask her what she’d like. She’ll tell you. You know, eventually.
And don’t forget the lube. Or the batteries. Double A’s. Rechargeable. Because you care about the environment.
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