Sexual etiquette: know the rules

Dilemma One: Your partner touches you in a way that leaves you cold – or in a place that’s a total turn off

If you know someone well enough to have sex with them, you should know them well enough to tell them when they do something wrong, but unless you’re in physical pain, it’s bad manners to scream “Oi! Not there you thoughtless idiot!” Instead, use the moan and groan reward scheme. Make satisfied noises when they touch you somewhere that you enjoy and stay silent when they touch you somewhere else. They should get the hint soon enough. And to avoid the situation cropping up again, initiate a conversation about erogenous zones, outside the bedroom as soon as you can. Tell your partner about the places where you love to be touched, making particular reference to things they do well. Then mention the places you don’t like being touched, in a depersonalised, casual and off-hand way – for example “It always makes me feel squeamish when someone touches my [name of body part]” If they say “Oh no, I touched you there the other day,” simply reply “Really darling? I must have missed that in the heat of passion because you’re such a great lover – but to be on the safe side it’s probably best to avoid it in future because usually I hate it.” Try to balance up any negative comment with seven positive ones: psychologists have found that this is the ratio required to keep a relationship healthy.

Dilemma Two: You’re with a new partner and need to bring up the condom question

Try to mention safer sex well before either of you is naked, so that you don’t end up having to get your kit again in order to go to the shops if you don’t have any condoms. This also avoids any confusion. It’s easy enough to slip it into conversation. For example, ask if your partner’s seen the new government sexual health campaign, or mention a friend who you had to take to the STI clinic the other week. Hell, you could even be entirely blunt about it and say that you never have sex without a condom and can’t believe how anyone with a brain would have unsafe sex. Always carry condoms, so that you don’t have to do a midnight corner-shop dash, or risk getting non-kitemarked condoms from the pub. And if someone bluntly says they don’t want to use a condom, tell them that it’s an easy enough choice: if it ain’t on, it ain’t in. No-one who respects you – or themselves – should be prepared to risk their life (or even just getting itchy bits) for a night of passion.

Dilemma Three: Your body makes an embarrassing noise during sex

Apologise and laugh it off. Sure, it’s embarrassing but it happens to everyone at some stage or other. Blushing and cowering in shame will only ruin the mood.

Dilemma Four: Your friend’s partner comes on to you

To start with, don’t even think of responding! As to whether to tell your pal, it’s a tricky one – some people will automatically believe their partner over you, even if you’ve been friends for years, because they don’t want to end their relationship (or face up to the fact that it’s in trouble). You may even find yourself accused of leading the partner on. Instead, avoid being alone with the offending party, don’t tell anyone at all about it in case word gets back to your mate and if it does happen again, try to get evidence to show your mate.  That way, at least it won’t just be a case of your word against their partner’s.

Dilemma Five: You want to try something kinky with your partner but are scared of their reaction

Test the water by buying them an erotic book that includes your kink in it, as a ‘sexy present’ then asking what they think of it. If it turns them on, you can come clean and admit you’d love to try some of the stuff in the book – but always start by sharing the tamest version of your kink in case it’s something that only appeals to your partner on a fantasy level. If they say the acts in the book leave them cold, you can say that you chose it at random – that way you’re distanced from the kink so you won’t feel as embarrassed, and they won’t feel threatened or think you’re a pervert. Honesty may be the best policy but unless a kink is a key part of your sexuality, sometimes it can be better to keep your wildest fantasies to yourself.

Dilemma Six: You’ve found erotic pictures on your partner’s computer – of one of their exes

First off, what were you doing snooping round their files? That’s a gross invasion of privacy and you should look at your own insecurities as you clearly have trust issues. Get some counselling to sort this out, and look at why it is you feel insecure with your partner. That aside, you have three options. Either admit to being a nosy swine and ask your partner – in a calm way – why they still have the pics. It could just be that they haven’t cleared their old files since they split. Whatever their answer, you have to believe it because otherwise there’s no point asking them the question in the first place. Alternatively, split up with them if you know you’ll never trust them again. Or grin and bear it. That’s the punishment for sneaking around someone else’s files.

Dilemma Seven: You’ve woken up in bed with someone after a night out and can’t remember their name even though you enjoyed youself and would like to see them again
Hand them a bit of paper and ask them to write down their phone number. Most people will write their name above it. If not, while they still have the pen, ask them to scribble their name down as you don’t want to get their number mixed up with any of the business numbers you have scrawled on bits of paper. If that doesn’t work, call them darling, sweetheart or some other endearment, and hope like hell they’ll call you so that they can say their name at the start of the conversation and this time you can focus on remembering it!

Dilemma Eight: Your partner starts to lose their erection mid-way through sex

Suggest you take a break because you’re getting tired, don’t mention the errant erection and curl up together. With some casual stroking of the thigh and balls, kissing and general teasing, you should be able to raise the dead. If not, don’t make a big deal of it. Go to sleep and try again in the morning. Stress, tiredness and booze are all common erection-killers so it’s really not unusual, and is no reflection on you or your techniques.