Smartballs, a Roundabout Review

It’s always the quiet ones. The ones that look so unassuming, the ones that seem so humble. You never expect those ones to pack a whallop, and yet they do. At least that was my experience with my Smartballs.

Smartballs are a modern answer to the ancient ben-wa balls. Made by the Fun Factory, they’re two silicone orbs, grooved for your pleasure, bound together by a slim silicone umbilical cord, and housing two rubbery bouncy balls inside them that knock against the walls of their orbs in what turns out to be a very pleasing fashion. The whole kit and caboodle has a little nylon cord for easy removal and pleasurable tugging action, and as the toy is made from silicone, it cleans incredibly easily and can be sterilized by boiling.

I was interested in the Smartballs for a long time before I actually bought a pair. I would go to my local sex toy emporium and visit them, hold them in my hand, rub their silicone skin and thrill to the vibration of the bouncy balls inside. I liked the idea of ben wa balls: they both stimulate the g-spot and make you work your PC muscles—the muscles that run along the genitals from stem to stern and help both with incontinence and orgasm—without your being aware of it. Exercise I don’t know I’m doing and better sex? Count me in! After my third visit, I bought a pair.

I don’t have good luck with the Fun Factory, the company that makes the Smartballs. The two sextoys I’d bought previously from them really, really didn’t work for me, and this experience had shown me that when it comes to sex toys, one size definitely does not fit all. It was with some trepidation that I bought this toy from the same company, but I figured it was worth the gamble.

I inserted them on an afternoon when I knew I’d be having sex later with my boyfriend. The balls looked much larger in my hand than they had it the store, somehow, but being generally sanguine, I lubed them liberally and gave them a go. Pop! Pop! went one ball and then the other. Frankly, they hurt. They gave me cramps. Like tiny susurrations of period cramps, and that experience was distinctly not so fun. Yet being the doughty sexual adventurer I am, I kept the balls in until I had sex later that day. I wore them to brunch. I wore them shopping, and though they didn’t really feel great, they were doing…something.

Because to be frank once more, I must admit that the sex I had that afternoon was really very good. Being an astute observer and really rather good at induction, I realized the Smartballs were helping.

Clearly, I had to put the Smartballs to more rigorous empirical testing; yet another evening, I gave the Smartballs another try, inserting them again before seeing my boyfriend, and again removing them before we actually started fucking. When we had sex that night, I found my body very excited from very early on in our sex.

When my boyfriend gave me head, he noticed that my clit, normally small and elusive as those tiny cat-size Indonesian deer, was fulsome and engorged. My pussy felt puffy. And I was wetter than wet and hotter than Georgia asphalt in the summertime.

Looping the string around his finger, my boyfriend took the balls out of me, popped out first one orb and then the other, and expressed shock at how big the balls were. We had sex, finally, and I had one gigantic orgasm under him, and then, fifteen minutes later riding him, I had another orgasm, one so strong and so involuntary I grunted with the strain. I could feel my pussy pulsating outward/inward, like a sea anemone swallowing its prey.

Those orgasms pretty much confirmed my belief about the Smartballs. And since I have been using them consistently—either as part of foreplay or when masturbating—I’ve been having seriously joyfully intense orgasms. When I have them inside me and I’m just walking around and doing my thing, I can feel them bump-bumping up against my g-spot, and while it won’t make me come, it’s pleasurable.

When I masturbate with them, I sometimes tug on the string with one hand so that the lower ball rubs against my g-spot. The balls have slight indentations scored on their sides, so it’s entirely possible that these grooves give extra friction. I always concentrate on the muscles in my pussy, tightening and releasing them, sucking them in and pooching them out, when I wear the balls. I have found that as I wear them more frequently I have much better control of my muscles, can clench them much harder, and get more excited with my muscle play.

Which is kind of cool, really.

Smartballs aren’t the flashiest toy on the market. They have no motor, no bells nor whistles, nothing that gyrates or requires AA batteries. However, they have the advantage of being completely quiet, totally undetectable, easy to clean and both pleasurable and good for you. They may not be the first toy you reach for, but if you want to live a long, happy sexual life, you may want to reach for them often.