Dear McBirdie: “My sex drive is out-pacing my boyfriend’s–help!”
Dear McBirdie,
My boyfriend is always really swamped with work, and usually I am too. However, he’s always had a huge sex drive, and I a medium one. I’d try really hard to get in the mood, even when I naturally wasn’t, and he seemed to be supportive when I couldn’t go on.
I got off the birth control shot a few months ago, and my sex drive went way up. But he’s been having a hard time keeping up, and it seems like were having even less sex than before.
We’re really happy, and got engaged a few months ago as well, so we really don’t want to call it quits. I’d prefer to work it out, but the thing is, I just don’t know what to do. I don’t like masturbation, I need that personal connection that love and sex bring. I guess I’m taking it really hard because I understand him being busy, and being really tired, and I just can’t bring myself to demand anything. But, I guess his lack of trying makes me mad, and sad.
Does you have any advice on how to deal with this? Either to get him to set some time aside for me or some way for me to deal with this?
Thank you,
All Sexed Up, Nowhere to Go
Dear Sexed Up,
Interesting point is that when I first started writing for SexShop365 (a longer time ago than I can almost believe), one of the first things I wrote was a long series on how to deal with sex drive mismatches between partners. I broke it down by a more theoretical and then a more practical way to look at it, whether the man or the woman was the one with the higher drive. I would love to say that I came up with sure-fire answers or that it’s always a fixable problem, but that’s just not the way the world works.
What I can do is direct you to take a look at the articles that suit your situation for now, and then spend a couple of days this week trying to suggest some more immediate solutions for you. It would be helpful if you were a bit more interested in masturbation since it can be a big help if a person can at least take the edge off their needs on their own, but perhaps we can look at some techniques that might make the whole thing a bit more palatable for you. And do show these articles to your partner–often we get so caught up in how we feel about what our partner is doing that we forget to think of them as people. I find this is especially true for men who aren’t matching their partner’s libido–it can be so dismaying and emasculating that they forget that you’re still the same partner they love and want to help out.
To look at some of the feelings associated with it, try this article on theoretical considerations. For a more practical approach, take a look at this one. And do check back in in the next few days…I’ll see if I can’t find some help for you.
Best wishes,
McBirdie
P.S. Are you a man out there wishing that your partner had an equally high sex drive? Point her towards her theoretical article and her practical one.
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